How to set up boundaries

We all know it. Setting boundaries and standing up for yourself is important. Especially in a society where we expect a lot of ourselves, and a lot is expected of us. Yet it remains difficult for many of us. We are afraid of the other person’s reaction and opinion. Your (unreal) fear that it will be at the expense of your relationship is greater than the need to express yourself. We think you should. Why, and more importantly, how do you do it?

These are the benefits:

Setting clear boundaries often creates security. People know where they stand and what is expected of them. You also value your own standards, values, and needs. A ‘no’ to someone else is often a ‘yes’ to yourself.

Influencing style Asserting

Communicating clearly does not have to be negative for your relationship with the other person. On the contrary, it can strengthen your relationship! With the Asserting Influence Style from our Influence Model®, you share your needs, norms, values, boundaries, and expectations. You communicate assertively with the right tone. You are not aggressive, but you are clear. These are our tips!

#1 The sooner the better

We’re not just talking about that one ultimate boundary. Where the camel’s back is about to break, or the other person finally does something unacceptable. It’s often about the first boundaries. When something is bothering you and you think: ‘Oh, it’s not that bad, what am I worried about? The effect of not speaking up? The other person does not know that something is bothering you. And if you do? Then the other person can take notice. So don’t wait until the camel’s back is overloaded! The breaking of the camel’s back, with all its emotions and frustrations, is harder to take than a few straws.

#2 Make it concrete and specific

The more specific you are about the (negative) behaviour of the other person, the better. Don’t say ‘I feel you don’t take me seriously’, say ‘I don’t appreciate you interrupting me’. Avoid words like always, never and generic words. Also speak in ‘I’ and ‘you’. Don’t say ‘we think it’s important that everyone is on time’, say ‘I would appreciate it if you were on time next time’.

#3 Say what you want

Are you addressing someone’s negative behaviour? Always be clear about what you want from the other person! Say, ‘I’d like you to let me finish before you give your opinion’ or ‘Next time our appointment is cancelled, I’d like you to find an alternative date’.

E-book The art of saying no

So, setting boundaries is not the same as being unfriendly. The art is in how you do it. Increase your personal assertiveness. Learn to say no tactfully.

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