How to achieve what you truly want in a conversation

Checklist: defining your goal in a conversation

Before entering a conversation, ask yourself:

• What do I want to achieve?
• What does the other person need in order to agree?
• Which Influence Style fits this situation?

Choose the Influence Style that matches your goal. According to the scientifically based Influence Model®, there are four styles you can use. Those who flexibly switch between them achieve their goals and strengthen relationships.

Here are four common goals and how to achieve them.

1. Persuading: how to bring others into your point of view

Do you want people to embrace your vision? Then the Persuading style is your best tool. It’s about strong arguments and logical structure. Focus on what is relevant to the other person and stick to the facts.

Don’t say:
“I feel like implementing AI tools in our workflow is a bit impersonal. These tools act like fake people towards our customers. Also, mistakes can easily happen, so you always have to check everything.”

Say instead:
“I am against implementing AI tools in our customer contact workflows. Personal contact is a key pillar of our organisation, and using AI goes against that. In addition, potential AI errors will be less visible. Therefore, I do not think it is a good idea to use AI tools in our customer contact workflows.”

2. Collaborating: create a shared goal

Do you want people to work with you on a project? Then Inspiring is your go-to style. Think about what connects you in the project and where you are heading together. Paint an attractive future that everyone can relate to, while leaving room for imagination.

This doesn’t work:
“We are going to celebrate our anniversary at the end of the year. I expect you to come up with a plan for how we will do this.”

But this does:
“How great is it that we have been doing what we do best for 50 years and truly helping organisations move forward? Imagine celebrating this together with our clients. In a way that makes us even stronger as an organisation by the end of the year—and that our clients will naturally recommend us because of this experience.”

3. Reducing resistance: understand what holds the other person back

Sometimes your goal is simply to understand why someone is not going along with your ideas, in order to reduce pushback or resistance. The Bridging style fits here. It’s about asking the right questions to uncover concerns, listening, and showing understanding.

This won’t work:
“Why are you making this so difficult?”

This works:
“I’m curious. I’ve heard you say a few times that you’re not quite sure. What are you unsure about?”

4. Ensuring follow-through: create clarity and accountability

Do you want people to stick to agreements? Then the Asserting style is the right approach. It’s not about convincing, but about addressing behaviour when agreements are not met. You name the behaviour and express your expectation.

Don’t do this:
“It’s in everyone’s interest to have a check-in. That way we make sure the project progresses.”

Do this instead:
“We agreed to have a weekly check-in about the project. I expect you to attend and provide an update on your tasks.”

Know your goal and act on it

In short: whether you want to persuade, collaborate, understand, or secure commitments: everything starts with a clear goal. The more specific your goal, the better you can prepare and choose the right Influence Style.

So before your next conversation, ask yourself: what do I truly want to achieve? Because with a sharp goal, you become significantly more influential.