It’s probably one of the trickiest situations you’ll face at work: dealing with a colleague who’s behaving inappropriately. Maybe they don’t keep their promises, or they crack jokes that cross the line. Not only can this affect the team atmosphere, but it can also make your job far less enjoyable.
So, it’s time to address it. But how do you do that in a tactful and respectful way?
Types of unwanted behaviour
Unwanted behaviour is something you may come across daily. Think of colleagues who fail to keep their promises or don’t stick to agreements—whether it’s consistently arriving late to team meetings or repeatedly missing deadlines. But it can also include interrupting others, making inappropriate remarks, whispering in conversations, or cracking jokes that cross the line.
If a colleague repeatedly displays this kind of behaviour, you might decide it’s time to call them out on it. Wondering what our trainers recommend? Read on to find out!
Be specific about the behaviour
It’s easy to make broad statements like “You’re always so unprofessional” or “You never take things seriously”. But before addressing a colleague’s behaviour, take a moment to identify exactly what they’re doing that bothers you. What specific action feels unprofessional? What makes you think they’re not taking things seriously?
For example, instead of saying “You’re always messing around in meetings”, try: “I’ve noticed that you often giggle or whisper to others when someone is speaking in meetings.” This makes your feedback clear and constructive, rather than vague or accusatory.
Also, be mindful of words that generalise behaviour, like always, never, right, and wrong. Using these can put your colleague on the defensive – making it less likely they’ll actually listen to what you’re saying.
Describe what you see happening
A great way to make unwanted behaviour more concrete—and therefore clearer—is to describe exactly what you observe. Point out specific situations where the behaviour occurs. Your colleague might not even realise they’re doing it, so giving clear examples can help them understand when and how it happens.
For instance, if they often make inappropriate jokes, don’t just say, “You always make unprofessional comments.” Instead, specify: “In yesterday’s meeting, you made a joke about [X], which made me feel uncomfortable.”
Before starting the conversation, it can help to note down multiple instances of the behaviour. This not only makes your feedback clearer but also gives your colleague insight into why their actions may be problematic.
By focusing on specific situations, you also avoid using sweeping terms like ‘always’ or ‘never’, which can make people defensive rather than open to change.
Explain how the behaviour affects you
Does a colleague consistently arrive late to meetings, disrupting the flow of the discussion? If so, be sure to communicate the impact their behaviour has. For example, instead of making assumptions about their intentions, you could say:
“I’ve noticed that you’ve been arriving late a few times now, and it makes it harder for me to stay focused during the discussion.”
This shifts the conversation away from personal intent and towards the practical impact of their behaviour. It’s also important to check whether there’s a reason behind their lateness. Avoid making it personal; instead, take the time to understand what might be causing the issue before jumping to conclusions.
Keep it between you and your colleague
The best way to address a colleague’s behaviour is to speak with them individually. Take the time to have a private conversation, away from other team members. It’s also wise to keep others out of the discussion, both during and after the conversation.
Saying that “everyone else feels the same way” often does more harm than good. It can make your colleague feel like the issue has already been discussed behind their back or that the whole team is against them.
By keeping the conversation just between you and your colleague, your message becomes easier to process, and they’re more likely to be receptive to what you have to say.
You’ve addressed the behaviour—what now?
If you decide to talk to your colleague, don’t forget to be clear about what you do and don’t expect in terms of behaviour. If you find this difficult to articulate, we recommend checking out our tips on assertive communication with colleagues.
During the conversation, it’s important to give your colleague space to respond. This allows them to explain their perspective and have a say in how things can be handled differently moving forward. Make sure you also take the time to listen and process what they say in return.
What if your colleague reacts dismissively? If they say something like, “That’s just who I am,” you might realise you have fundamentally different views on the situation. However, you can still try to agree on some ground rules—such as avoiding certain jokes in team meetings or at least being mindful when you’re around each other. Even if your colleague doesn’t take your concerns seriously, it’s still important to make it clear that the behaviour is not acceptable to you.
Are you a manager addressing a team member’s unwanted behaviour? Keep in mind that they see you as a figure of authority, which can make the conversation feel more intense. Be aware of your position and the fact that they might feel nervous about hearing your feedback. Ultimately, this is still a conversation between two people—not just between a manager and an employee.
